Archgoat – Heavenly Vulva (Christ’s Last Rites)

Would you just look at that album cover?  The blasphemy in metal just never ends.  Not that I’m complaining or anything.  I myself own a t-shirt and hoodie from Goatwhore emblazoned with the lyric “Who needs a god when you’ve got Satan?”.  And my Bloodbath t-shirt that depicts a demon perched atop the cross, vomiting on a crucified Jesus.  Who can forget the infamous Cradle of Filth shirt stating “Jesus Is A Cunt”?   For true blasphemy, search for the t-shirt art from the first couple of Rotting Christ tours, I personally have not anything quite that blasphemous.  And so on, and so on, you get the point.  Blasphemy is part and parcel of metal, especially from bands that want to make a point about how truly cvlt and evil they are.

And you really didn’t think I wouldn’t take moment to comment on the title, did you?  Like most people, I have just always assumed that the vulva was part of the vagina, and used the word vagina to refer to all the lady parts down there.  But it turns out, thanks to a very informative and well illustrated article on Wikipedia, about vulvas, that the vulva is actually all of the external female sexual organs, like the labia and those wonderful little folds, the clitoris, the mound, etc.  So all these years I’ve thought that I adored vaginas, when in fact I adored vulvas and vaginas.  The vagina is actually just the part where the winky goes in, and the baby comes out.  So I’m just happy to get all anatomical and shit and drop some knowledge on you good readers.  Oh, and did I mention that I just adore vaginas and vulvas, that there is not one thing about them that I don’t love?

So what you really want to know is, how good is this album, right?  It’s actually just an EP, all 6 songs total clock in around 17 minutes, but it is just a blast of pure evil and menace, so if that is your cup of tea, then you want to be checking this out.  I’m usually pretty good at deciphering lyrics, even when they are sung in the evil cookie monster style, but I just have no idea what this guy is singing about.  Based on what I know about the band though, there are no redeeming qualities here, and this is blasphemous stuff.

This is the perfect listen for those days when nothing has gone right and you just want to kick your cat across the room, but instead of doing that you put on an album like this at maximum volume and bang your head like there’s no tomorrow.  If you want to listen to something black and malevolent this fills the bill.  Highly recommended.  Hail vulvas!! 

-- ODIN